Four Things I’m Only Doing Because I Think I Should, And How I'm Letting Them Go

I’ve been getting really interested in the concept of ‘should do’. Over the last year of coaching and conversing with people about their businesses, the feeling that they were doing things because they thought they should has come up over and over again. “I’ve read that I should send a newsletter every week but it’s such a burden”, “do I really have to post on Instagram every day?”, “everyone says I should be on Facebook but I just don’t like being there”.

Sound familiar? With all the advice out there in your eyes and in your ears, it’s easy to get bogged down with all the things you ‘should’ do towards your business, and you lose track of what actually feels right and good for you. I‘ve written before about how to manage online advice, but you must also remember than if you’re doing something because you think you should, you’re not showing up to it in the most wholehearted, productive, best-version-of-yourself way. You’re much better off putting the energy you’re wasting kinda doing those things into the places and tasks that most light you up.While the ‘should dos’ are most obvious in our work, they of course spill over into our lives more generally. From everyday should dos like “I should eat this carrot rather than that chocolate” to the much bigger ones of “I should stay in this job because that’s what’s expected of me” or “all this online advice suggests I should be pushing to go full time with my side hustle but I don’t really want to”.Again, we let the thoughts and opinions of others, of society, of online ‘experts’ cloud our vision.

With all these ‘should dos’, we lose track of our ‘want tos’. It can be hard to notice when this happening, particularly when some of it has been conditioned since childhood, and harder still to actually say no to those shoulds. But when you do, the reward is freedom and control over the way you live this one and only life.While I’ve been helping and challenging the people I work with to let go of their should dos, and will start to look more and more at this through my writing, I thought it was only fair that I confront some of mine too. Some of these have been sudden epiphanies, some slow realisations, but all are works in progress. I hope that you will be able to relate to some of these, and join me in letting go of some of your own should dos too.

Making and creating with my hands

A problem I’ve always had with ‘slow living’ is my definition of it. I’ve felt that if I don’t live up to my ideas about the trappings of slow living, then I am failing. One big thing is the fact that I don’t make things with my hands: I don’t knit, craft, draw, bake, make candles, arrange flowers etc. I’ve been beating myself up about this for months (well, years), both because I think it’s what I should be doing in order to be ‘living slowly’, but also because I think it’s the sort of thing I should be writing about here.I don’t actually want to do crafts though. I like going to a workshop every now and then to spend a few hours crafting, but I don’t really want it to form part of my every day life. For my work I already write, take photos, creatively problem solve – making something at the end of the day feels like another thing. So, I’m letting go of the idea that I should be regularly making stuff in order to be doing slow living ‘properly’ and accepting the creativity that is in my life.

Podcast interviews

If you’ve been listening to Grow With Soul (and if not, why not? 😉) you’ll know that I have a mix of solo, coaching and interview shows. I’m happy with the solo and coaching formats, but I know that I’m not hitting my own high standards with the interviews. While my guests have been great and had really valuable things to say, my skills (or lack of) as an interviewer has been letting them down somewhat.I’m totally fine with not being a great interviewer – I have too much I want to say to be one, and I prefer to be that way round. Yet it did make me wonder why I decided to do interview shows in the first place, and predictably it’s because the podcasts I listen to do so I thought I should too. I’m not going to give up on interviews altogether though because there are people I’d love to speak to and share their stories, I’ve just got to figure out a way to do them in a way that’s more me.

Saying yes

I’ve spent this summer setting boundaries around my time and then bulldozing them the moment someone asks me to. In fact, that’s not true – no one has asked me to, I’ve just felt like I should. I am fully booked for coaching, yet when someone gets in touch wanting help as soon as possible, I feel like I should find some extra space for them. Not because they’ve asked specifically, but I feel ungrateful and unhelpful if I don’t.More and more I’m realising that having space to explore new ideas and projects in my life is really important to me, and yet I’m not saving any space for myself. I haven’t had a week off from coaching in a year, and that’s intense! So I’m letting go of the idea that I should put others wants in front of my own boundaries and needs.

Not writing about my life

Similarly to the first point in this list, because I’ve not had the trappings of slow living, I haven’t felt like I could write about my life here on the blog. Because I wasn’t living up to my own skewed expectations, I couldn’t see the value in what I could write about. I’ve wanted to write more personally, more broadly, but felt like I shouldn’t because a) I didn’t have those trappings, and b) it wouldn't be valuable. I’ve more or less let go of a), and as for b) I’m starting to redefine ‘value’ by reading more – I’m learning that the personal truths and stories of others are valuable to me in a way that is different but equal to a ‘how to’ post. This will be a process as I’ve always told myself I shouldn’t write personal stuff because it’s not important and valuable to others – but I’m working on it. This is something that I really want to do, and it just has to become more important than the ‘shoulds’.