Renegotiating My Relationship With Instagram
A few months ago, Instagram and I reached an impasse. It had been a long time coming. For a while I had struggled with showing up there, feeling bound to it by its necessity to my business but deeply uncomfortable with all the layers of the ropes that weren’t really working for anyone. There were times I thought I’d give it up if only I didn’t rely on it so heavily – I couldn’t see a way to make it better. But there’s always a way, so if you’re struggling with your social presence and finding a way for it to fit comfortably in your life, here’s how I’ve approached this relationship renegotiation.
First, what was wrong?
Before you can fix something, you need to know what’s broken – specifically. For a long time I was wishy washy about this, ignoring the problem with platitudes of ‘it stresses me out’, or ‘people want too much from me’ (they didn’t). Until I could accept the real problem, I couldn’t untangle myself.
I isolated three main knots in my relationship with Instagram:
I’d attached the calendar and rhythm of my business to Instagram (ie, I had to use Instagram posts to announce things like blog posts, whilst maintaining gaps between each announcement post), so it felt like unless I was up to date with posting I couldn’t move things forward with my content. Essentially I felt trapped and controlled by my Instagram feed so it was dictating to me rather than the other way round.
I was overwhelmed with the need to be present and be having conversations with people, particularly as an introvert who wouldn’t naturally choose to interact in such a way. So many people were so generous and understanding, but in a lot of ways that made me feel even more guilty about how I wasn’t really showing up in the way that is ‘normal’
I was terrified of being ‘found out’, of not being what people expected me to be, of not being good enough. I’m not really sure where this came from, other than some obviously deep-seated subconscious stuff bubbling to the surface. But I felt exposed in the to and fro of one-to-one messages and comments and that all I would do is disappoint.
For a long time, my coping mechanism was to largely stick my head in the sand. If I didn’t look at the comments they couldn’t be bad; if I didn’t reply to a message nothing I said could be disappointing. This was always a dissatisfactory approach as it brought as much guilt and stress as it did relief; and in the end, it brought more. I needed to look it in the eye and work out how to fix this.
Reconnect with what Instagram really is
I think a lot of the disconnect also came from the fact I was using Instagram the way I always had, and that had got stale for me, stale for you, and also meant I was a bit out of touch with how others are using it, and therefore how I might too. In an effort to shake things up, I did some polls and questions on Instagram Stories to get some viewpoints to work with. Here’s the main points I learned:
60% of people who responded on Stories preferred Stories, but 80% of those who responded on the grid preferred the grid.
Those who prefer the feed do so because it’s where they can get depth and connection and find more thoughtful content.
People found that Stories was more chaotic and hard to keep up, whereas the feed was a slower, more purposeful scroll.
As many people love Stories for their immediacy and informality as those who dislike them for that reason.
A significant number of people are starting to find grid content contrived and a bit salesy, although many do still get aesthetic inspiration there.
Many people feel less pressure on Stories, both as creators and consumers.
Of course, much of what others were saying I started to notice in my own behaviour too. Because the grid was somewhere that felt to pressured (because I’d let it dictate my whole business) I found myself using and consuming Stories far more as a place that was easy and informal and throwaway. But perhaps that was also part of the problem – I was lacking some depth. One thing that was clear is that the Instagram grid and Stories are used by all of us as very different entities – and that is food for thought. (If you’d like to see more about this ad hoc feed vs Stories research I did, there’s a highlight in my Instagram bio.
Coming out the other side
It was nearly two months ago that I asked those questions and began to think about how Instagram and I needed to change the way we fit together. Now I feel a lot lighter and freer about it, it doesn’t feel like a looming monster in my life but a task like any other in my business. Here are the steps and mindset shifts I took.
A BREAK
I know I know, there’s is literally nothing worse than someone talking about how great it was when the took a break from social media. But this isn’t what I’m saying, mostly because I didn’t take a real break – I was still on Stories when I felt like it and still lurking around. But I took a break from those three things that were most troubling me about Instagram – I stopped posting on the grid and stopped responding (or intending to respond and feeling guilty for not). This was just going to be while we were on holiday for two weeks, but I got back from holiday and still didn’t feel like it, so I did it for a month. By the end of the month I felt ready to reconnect again, positively and proactively, rather than forcing myself.
A HARD RESET
With Instagram and me, I’d let everything pile up and pile up into great big piles of guilt and unanswered messages. I had to let that go and have a clean start – everything that was there from before was gone, and I was only looking forwards. If I tried to recoup months of interactions I would have got very quickly to the same mental place, so I just had to start from zero.
A PROMISE OF LESS PRESSURE
It is now my intention to reply to as many comments and messages as I can, when I can. I think I’d piled on the pressure before that it had to be in a certain time frame or it wasn’t worth doing at all. Now I will reply when I’m able to, when I’m in the right energetic mood – which is turning out to be all in a one go when I’m in the bath a lot of the time. I’ve also allowed myself not to reply for the sake of replying, but only when I feel I’ve got something genuine to add to the conversation – this way I’m finding I’m less worried about being a disappointment (because I’m not trying to be something I’m not!)
TWO DIFFERENT CHANNELS
A really big one for me is that I’m splitting Instagram Stories and the feed into two separate entities in my mind, and treating them as such. From my research I know that most of the audiences are different and they want completely different things, so it feels a lot freer to think of them in those terms. Now, the grid is a place I will use occasionally (once rising to twice a week) to really go deep on a subject and connect. Stories will be the more informal, personal content that is easy to digest.
So now I feel like I’m back holding the reins with Instagram – I’m driving it, not the other way round. I’ve shrugged the pressure off my shoulders and committed to a way of showing up that is truly me, albeit imperfectly. Before I felt like everyone truly had a reason to be upset with me (if they were), but now I can look myself in the eye and know that I am trying to do my best all round. And sometimes, in this ever changing, always evolving, new social structures, that’s really all we can strive for.
