But What’s It For?
A few weeks ago at my workshop about time there was an artist who couldn’t find the time to paint. This, as you can imagine, is something of a problem. I suggested that she paint just for an hour with no expectation in order to get back into the habit. “But what would it be for?” she asked, “I can’t just paint without there being a point”. “The point” I said, “is that it’s your life”.
But I got it, of course I did. I remembered when there was no “point” going for a walk when the light wasn’t optimal to take photos for Instagram. When there was no “point” consuming any kind of content that I couldn’t share in my newsletter. When there was no “point” speaking to someone who wouldn’t benefit my business (particularly not proud of this one). I remember seeing people talk about having personal projects they weren’t going to share and thinking they were weirdo morons.
And yet, now I am doing more “pointless” stuff than I am things that are for something. I am working on projects that might not be anything and feeling motivated anyway. I am actively looking for more and more ways I can do things I want to rather than things I have to, and arranging my life in such a way to make that a possibility.
It takes time to let productivity-as-worth loosen it’s grip on your being, but here are three (all coincidentally beginning with C) things that can act as an “in” to there not being a point.
Craft
I am becoming more and more obsessed with the concept of craft. To put time and patience and studiousness into practising the craft of whatever you want to do - not perfecting, but practising. Sometimes it’s so hard to even start on your short story idea because you’re already thinking what the Netflix adaptation might be like; whereas treating it all as practice, as craft, I find helps to relieve the pressure of expectation.
I am currently making a list of 30 things I want to do while I’m 30 years old, and on that list is “write a short poetry collection”. Do I want to publish a poetry collection? No! Do I want to be a poet? Also no! But I do want to practice my writing craft. As I said in this podcast episode, I love reading poetry because poetry to me is the ultimate example of efficiency - to take a story or a feeling and pull away all the superfluous words to get to the rawest, most beautiful version of the truth. And so it follows that experimenting in this form will undoubtedly help my craft, even though it won’t be entered into the TS Eliot prize.
Commitment
It is the most beautiful thing to prove the deep capacity you have to commit to yourself. We do not often commit to ourselves; we commit to partners, friends, colleagues, random people who email us...but rarely ourselves. When you do something you told yourself you were going to do, it is like a pilot light clicking on in the depths of you; it warms through your body and the more you do it, the more light grows inside you.
I had the crazy idea I was going to climb the mountain Moel Hebog last month. I hadn’t attempted anything that physically challenging for seven years, but I wrote it down and committed. The day came and I woke up late and it was cloudy and I postponed til the following the day. The following day was still cloudy so I put it off again. The third day was bright sunshine –and at the risk of sounding like Goldilocks, it was now too hot. But breaking the commitment the first two days was making my light go out and I was more determined to follow through on the promise than to go up the damn thing. And I did it. And honestly, it was the following through (as well as the serotonin) that made me sing my way through the woods on the way home.
Curiosity
“What would happen if?” Can the point be that you want to see what happens? Can the point be that it’s not all serious and it can be fun to be a little curious? The greatest discoveries, about your work and about yourself, often come from curious experiments.
If the only way that makes sense for you to create is to share or sell it, why not find out what would happen if you create with the complete opposite intention? Try being one of those weirdo morons I mentioned earlier to see whether they really are weirdo morons.
I will most likely share my 30 at 30 list when I’ve compiled it, but I’ve decided that some of the things I will redact. Not because they’re embarrassing or I want to do a big reveal or they’re going to become something (they are very mundane things that if I told you you’d be like “oh”) - but because I want them to be mine. I’m curious to know how it feels to have a secret from the rest of the world. I’m curious to know whether I feel differently about these things because they’re secret. Not for any point, just because I’m curious.
Craft, commitment and curiosity are your excuses to do more of what you want and basically filler for this post because the answer to “but what’s it for?” is simply “because you want to”. Because it would make you happy. Because you feel more like yourself when you do it. Because you desire it. Because this is your life – and this is how you want to spend it.
You are not a production line. You have not clocked in. You will not have to do an inventory of what you got done at the end. You do not have a manager you need to justify your performance to. You are a life. Breathe. Let go of there being a point, and watch it bob away down the river.
What’s the worst that can happen if you do something because you want to? You might enjoy yourself - and I’d say that’s worth the risk.
